At last the boat was my own. I was hugely grateful to those who had helped me, housed me and allowed me to use their washing machines and baths, but it was only now that I felt I was actually starting this new life. What I hadn't bargained for was how much mental and emotional energy it takes to redesign a life!
lack of should's and ought's: I spent the first 16 years of my working life as a police officer, I then lived on community in a Christian holiday centre (Lee Abbey) and then I went into the Church as a minister. Everyone of these jobs / ways of life carries with it a huge amount of, what I call, should's and ought's. 'You should work very hard all the time.' 'You should have a very clear idea of what is right and what is wrong.' You should have a quiet time every day.' You ought to exercise every day, eat less, drink less, earn money immediately, stay safe, go to church etc etc etc.
Here I was, for the first time in my life, in a position where there was absolutely nobody telling me what to do or not to do. There was no 'usual routine' and more worryingly, there was no job. Having worked all my adult life, I found it actually quite hard to have days and days where I didn't have to do anything. I also found myself battling guilt , particularly on Sundays. I had experienced a bit of a savaging in my last post, and as a result I really needed a break from Church, for the sake of my soul! I knew this, and yet when the church bells rang on a Sunday, I felt like a naughty schoolgirl skipping class!
I did cautiously check out one church but the result of that visit was enough to convince me that God was fine with the idea of my taking a holiday from corporate worship!
Worry, worry, worry: I found within only a few weeks, that I was failing to appreciate the beauty around me and the freedom given to me, because I was filling my head with worries; how was I going to find a job? Did people like me here? How am I going to learn everything I need to know about my boat? How am I going to manage single handed? I believe now that had I had absolutely nothing to worry about, I would have worried about not having anything to worry about! Fortunately I had a good friend and counsellor who reassured me that whatever I was feeling was normal. Making massive life changes will stir up all sorts of feelings and reactions and I needed to be gentle with myself.
So I walked a lot; there is a beautiful lake here with lots of wildlife around. I took up cross stitch and eventually stopped feeling like I was 'wasting time'. Then I started looking for a job.
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