mindfulness

Next month I shall join some Church Army colleagues for a 3 day get together. It will be the first contact I have had with the Church since I left at the end of last year. We are a small group of like minded individuals who are travelling a similar spiritual path. We meet twice a year and spend time in silence together, share insights from our journeys and down the odd bottle of wine together. For the last few meetings, we have gathered in a field near Worcester and slept in wigwams!

We will have an extra member this time in the form of Bonny. I'm not sure she will cope with the times of silence, but then again, I don't know how well I shall cope either! It's not so much the silence, but the liturgy we use to lead into the silence. Although I am feeling more positive now about matters of faith, I still have big issues with the Church and react strongly against any sense of it telling me how to connect with God, or what is an acceptable belief and what is not. For me, the Church has lost so much credibility and integrity in recent years that I'm no longer sure it has the moral / spiritual authority to speak at all.
However I respect my colleagues and the way they choose to express their faith and so I shall enter into it as much as I am able. I am really looking forward to being with them and hearing how each person is travelling, especially as I missed our last gathering. There is also something about being silent in company that touches me at a deep level. We are not merely silent, the aim is to be mindful - mindful of our deepest selves, mindful of each breath we take, and as we stop and just 'be', I find my soul and deeper emotions opening up and invariably I come away with some new insight. I generally spend a fair proportion of the time giggling helplessly as well!

I didn't think I was missing anything about being in ministry, but last night I watched the BBC2 programme about a choir master who helped draw a whole community together through music and in doing so, significantly changed some of the people's lives. I found myself crying by the end of the programme and as I reflected on why, I realised I was seeing how my ministry could have been if I had not been so confused by 'right beliefs' v helping people live full lives and connect with the Spirit of God in whichever way is right for them. I guess I miss having a significant effect on other people's lives, or maybe I just miss being significant! I hope to explore this area further at the wigwams.

Bonny the Boat Dog!

Sorry about the longish silence; I've had a bit of a virus problem with my computer, but I'm well on the way to sorting it out.

Last week Bonny and I went out for a whole 4 days on the boat (thanks to my kind work mate swapping days off). Bonny wore her new life jacket, much to the amusement of passing boaters and their pets, but it made me less anxious and having the handle on top meant I could easily lift her on and off the boat and also carry her, rather like a briefcase, across the locks!

She took to the whole experience like a duck to water, if you know what I mean! She rode on the roof and patrolled up and down it's length, only coming back to me if startled. I had been told that some dogs get frightened if left on the boat in locks, but not Bonny. She was fantastic! We did the Fradley flight on the first day and moored for the night in Fradley Woods. Bonny loved having the freedom of the tow path after having to be constantly on a lead in the marina.

I was worried that if I let her get off and on the boat at will, she will do the same in the marina when we returned, which would be a no no. I got over the problem by using the gang plank. She quickly learnt that if the gang plank was there, she could get off and on. If it wasn't, she had to wait for me to lift her off - Perfect!

We went on to Handsacre the second night and tied up by Bridge 56 which is a lovely secluded mooring, with room for only one boat. The only downside was there was a little road nearby and quite a few walkers and their dogs - great for my friendly pup, but it meant Ihad to keep a close eye all the time. So we returned to Fradley Woods for our last night. I have found a great little mooring in the woods which isn't near anybody else so Bonny can run free. While she explored, I did some polishing and now 'Don't Panic' gleams!

As I've said before, I love being out on the canal and my heart sinks when I return to the Marina. However, I am very fortunate to be able to do this at all, pre-retirement, and have decided to make the most of it by not resenting the time in the marina, but rather appreciating the electricity on tap and the facilities on my doorstep. But to prevent Marina fever setting in, I shall take the boat out and moor overnight on the cut all lot more often. In fact, once Bonny is introduced to my cycle, there is nothing to stop us mooring for a week on the cut and cycling in to work. Branston Water Park is just up the canal and would be a lovely place to walk Bonny.

On the downside of life, Lloyds are getting nasty over my loan and are sending threatening letters and making odd phone calls, using people whose accents are so extreme that I struggle to understand them - not being from India myself. This is despite the fact that I have kept them informed every step of the way and have done everything they have told me to do so far! The Debt Counselling Service, that they insisted I spoke to, were brilliant and have helped me sort out a budget and have told me what banks are allowed to do, what they are not allowed to do and what they will try to get away with! Lloyds are following the script of 'what they will try to get away with' almost to the letter. The most important advice I received was 'don't let them bully you into agreeing to pay them more than you can afford'. Lloyds have alreaady tried to do just that and that's only their opening salvo. They are now apparantly passing my case on to their debt recovery unit, but as long as I follow the instructions given by the DCS, I should be OK.

I think I've mentioned Tom Hodgkinson before - a brilliant author who wrote 'How to be Free', my current manual for life! Well, he is coming to the Marina at the end of the month to do a talk on how Dr Johnson influenced his life and I will be able to listen to him live! What are the chances of that - a fairly obscure author, living in Devon, who has helped me significantly, coming to the very marina I am living at in the West Midlands! I take it as a sign that I am still on the right track. I highly recommend this book and indeed 'How to be Idle' and for parents 'Idle Parenting' if you want to release some pressures from your life.

response to fear

I love writing my blog but sometimes I wonder if I'm just talking to myself, so it was lovely to receive an email from my friend Kristina Petersen, commenting on my blog about fear. I so appreciated what she said that I got her permission to repeat some of her email here:

I think you are so right with what you're saying about life slowing down for you and about freedom from various things (including savings but also the need to consume). I think a lot of people would nod their head in agreement but carry on with their busy life, while you have actually had the courage to do something about it and lead a different sort of life. I also agree that a life without fear seems attractive but I wonder whether it’s not actually a life without worry that we could be aiming for. When you stand on a rail track and a train is approaching fast and you don’t have time to think about it, it’s fear that gives you the adrenaline to jump to the side. Worry is useful only if it propels us into action – if it doesn’t, maybe because we can’t do anything or we worry about something that isn’t actually a problem, it just makes us miserable. By the way, my cat, which has a happy life, still feels fear, so I wonder whether it’s innate. The cat is afraid of moving wheels (a good things, gets him to avoid moving cars) and loud noises, like the Hoover (not so useful). He doesn’t worry, though – animals don’t because they live in the present. Which ties in nicely with your point about slowing down as that helps you to live in the present and enjoy each moment. You’re definitely on the right track.

I agree with Kristina that perhaps I should have been talking about worry rather than fear. Thanks Kristina!
Oh, and thanks to you too Lynda, it's good of you to leave encouraging comments!
My next blog will be about the welcome visit of my family to the boat, but I have a virus problem on my computer at present which means I can't post the photos!

Visit from my brother

My brother Peter came all the way from Australia to see my boat! Well alright, he had other things to do as well, but we went out on the boat together yesterday and he loved it! He also kept an eye on Bonny as she had her first experience of riding on the roof without her crate! You will have to wait for photos of that, as my brother took some great ones and will hopefully pass some on to me.

He was so enthusiastic about the boat and Bonny and it made me feel really good. I have made all my recent decisions without many expressions of approval from others and mostly I can cope OK with that, but to have my big brother say that my decisions make sense and are right means a lot. Here is a picture of us together...

Bonny coped brilliantly as a boat dog. She would occasionally peer over the side of the boat which stopped my heart on a couple of occasions. She also got a fright when we passed a herd of cows, but when she felt insecure she just ran either to Pete at one end of the boat or me at the other. She fell in love with Pete at first sight and as long as she was sitting near him, she coped with all the new sights, sounds and smells just fine. I was so proud of her!