wonderful wigwams

Bonny and I have just returned from 3 days in the wilds of Worcestershire. We met up with some Church Army friends to practice 'mindfullness', talk together about our spiritual journeys and drink wine. We stayed in 'wigwams' (actually small chalet type huts) on farmland and Bonny had utter freedom for the first time in her young life! She made friends with a 12 year old sheepdog, Jed, and followed him around slavishly. He tolerated her and when she got a bit too excited, he taught her some manners in a more effective way than I ever could.
The weather was glorious and we spent a lot of time outside - even having a bonfire one evening which Bonny was fascinated by.
I love belonging to this group. Although we all have Church Army in common, our paths have diverged and so now, although some are still working as Church Army evangelists, others have been ordained as priests, some have not been able to secure posts and have had to return to secular jobs and one is going through the process of retirement (and then there is me!). Our spiritual lives are equally rich in variety, and yet we have developed the ability to listen to each other without judging, without trying to convert the other to our way of thinking, but still with much empathy. We can also argue passionately for something one day and then change our minds the very next day without censure. I also laugh more when I am with these people than anywhere else. We also spend some time in silence - being mindful of the present moment - the current breath in our bodies, and allowing our minds to quieten. The experience of being silent in a group feels deeper and more rich to me than being silent alone.
All in all it was a precious time, the first time I have been off the boat since February! I am now back in the marina and back in work and Bonny is back on the lead, but the experience will stay with and shape both of us for some time to come.

freedom, responsibility and ownership

Bonny is growing - 5 months old now - here is the latest pic.

There's been some trouble in paradise and it has made me think again about how much we can exercise freedom without impinging on other people and whether owning property is indeed theft!

Bonny and I enjoy a walk every morning around two lakes which are part of this site which includes the marina and shops. The whole site is owned by one business man. Up until last week we could walk around both lakes using a circular path. We would meet lots of other dog walkers, most of whom let their dogs run off the lead. Bonny has been excellently socialised through these walks and I have made some friends. Cyclists and joggers also used the well maintained paths.

Recently, the owner decided to stock the lakes with trout and sell permits to fishermen. As soon as this took off, signs started to spring up around the site. First there were warning signs advising walkers to look out for back casts. Then, one day a fence appeared, stopping anyone using the circular walk. You could walk all the way round but then you had to turn back and retrace your steps. Then the next day more signs - 'Anglers only beyond this point', banning the rest of us from most of one lake, and finally 'all dogs must be kept on leads at all times' everywhere around both lakes. All of these innovations happened within one week. (oh and an additional fence stopping us walking through the woods to the lock, towpath and local pub!)

Needless to say the dog walkers, cyclists and joggers are most peeved. We all have a good whinge when meeting each other and most of the dog walkers are ignoring the instructions. I decided to obey the 'Anglers only past this point' sign but not 'the leads on at all times' one. Bonny is really good now at coming when she is called and has to spend the rest of the day on a lead when outside, so this was her only 'free time'.

I also had a conversation with the two bailiffs who have suddenly appeared, wearing day glow jackets and camouflage trousers. Both men live on the same pier as me and I would call them friends. They said that the owner could do whatever he wanted and that he was only protecting the fishermen from being bothered by dogs - after all the fishermen pay, the rest of the community don't. I pointed out that not everything should come down to money and that the owner has managed to spoil the enjoyment of hundreds of people, not to mention upsetting most of the village at the very time he is applying for planning permission. We had a lively discussion and parted agreeing to disagree. I thought that was that. But the next day I was summoned to the Marina office to be given a dressing down by the person who works there. I was told that a dog walker (or two) had been into the office to report I had been moaning about the new regime, and the marina staff member told me I was to stop talking in this way to villagers and to direct any complaints to management! I enquired whether freedom of speech has also been banned and pointed out that I was having a conversation with friends which was very different from wanting to make any formal complaint! I also said that I suspected it wasn't a dog walker who had dobbed me in, but one of the bailiffs, after our conversation (denied). I was reminded that, according to my mooring agreement, if I caused any trouble, they could require me to leave.

I was really upset. I felt as if all my freedom had been removed at one fell swoop. I also couldn't help looking at the other dog walkers and my bailiff friends with suspicion, wondering who it was that reported me. This is my home and yet I cannot walk or even talk in peace and freedom. The facts of course are clear. The owner of the site can do whatever he wants to do and can impose any rules as this is private property. He even owns the water under my boat and can chuck me out whenever he feels like it.

I suddenly felt really claustrophobic. My mooring spot is directly outside both the marina office and my workplace and the bailiffs walk past my boat every day. I am surrounded by fences and feel like I am being watched. So I have moved. I can't move out of the marina as there are no other live aboard moorings within striking distance of work. But I have moved piers to the most remote spot of the marina and it is lovely. Most of the boats on this pier are not lived on and so there aren't many people about. I am surrounded by grass rather than fences and car parks and although I am closer to the A38, it is actually less noisy here. Bonny loves it - especially as we seem to be living in Watership Down rabbit country!

But have I wimped out? I feel I have run away from the fight rather than standing my ground. But then was I right to fight in the first place or am I becoming an anarchist; rejecting all rules imposed from 'above'? I still refuse to keep Bonny on a lead all the time- but only let her off on our early morning walls when no fishermen or bailiffs are around. It doesn't feel right to me that one man can declare a whole area his and then directly affect the lives of many people he hasn't even met! And all in the name of profit. Then again, if he hadn't developed this old gravel pit into the marina it is today, I wouldn't have a home here.

Here is the lake - before the trouble...

a little enlightenment

I took Bonny and the boat to Branston Water Park last week for an overnight escape from the marina. We had two beautiful autumn days - sunny and warm during the day and cooler at night. The water park itself is a large lake with walks around it and many different water birds to watch.

We had spent a peaceful night on board (you can hardly hear the A38 from there!) and after breakfast we went for a walk around the lake. Bonny was being perfectly behaved, the sun was shining and all was well with the world. Then I caught myself thinking 'it will be good to get back to the boat and have a sit down in the sun.' A perfectly innocent little thought, you might say, but a little light flashed on from wherever wisdom originates and I had a small epiphany.

I realised that I am always looking for something better. The present is never good enough, I'm always looking to improve on it. Instead of entering fully into that present moment of the walk, I was thinking about what comes next. I realised that I am always saying to myself 'once I have this or once I become that, then I'll be content'. Then when I get this or become that, I think 'well, that's good...but it's not perfect...but once I get this or become that, then I'll be content - then I'll really be able to live.' It occured to me on that walk that I will still be thinking this on my death bed. In the meantime, I will have missed out on so many small pleasures at my feet because my gaze is fixed further down the road. So I have resolved to practice short sightedness!

When I returned I went to the talk by Tom Hodgkinson that I mentioned a blog or two ago. He was excellent and what he said helped me fix my resolve both to practice contentment and to take time to stand and stare. I had a chat with him afterwards and the upshot of that is that he has asked me to write a piece (3000 words!) about my life change from land to boat and from career girl to practising idler! If it's good enough he will publish it in The Idler Magazine. If not then hopefully I will get some feedback about my writing style.

The most recent blessing I am counting is a phone call from Lloyds. I'm still not sure whether to believe it, but the lady who called was really nice and understanding. At the end of repeating my situation (again!) she said the bank would stop charging interest and charges for a few months - in effect freezing my loan - to see if I can get more work and start paying them again. In the meantime I can give them whatever I can manage, whenever I can manage it, but they won't hold me to a regular payment at this time. It will ruin my credit rating for 6 years, but since I have no intention of ever getting into debt again, I'm not worried. I will wait with interest to see if she was telling the truth... No I won't, I'll enjoy the present moment of reprieve!!

mindfulness

Next month I shall join some Church Army colleagues for a 3 day get together. It will be the first contact I have had with the Church since I left at the end of last year. We are a small group of like minded individuals who are travelling a similar spiritual path. We meet twice a year and spend time in silence together, share insights from our journeys and down the odd bottle of wine together. For the last few meetings, we have gathered in a field near Worcester and slept in wigwams!

We will have an extra member this time in the form of Bonny. I'm not sure she will cope with the times of silence, but then again, I don't know how well I shall cope either! It's not so much the silence, but the liturgy we use to lead into the silence. Although I am feeling more positive now about matters of faith, I still have big issues with the Church and react strongly against any sense of it telling me how to connect with God, or what is an acceptable belief and what is not. For me, the Church has lost so much credibility and integrity in recent years that I'm no longer sure it has the moral / spiritual authority to speak at all.
However I respect my colleagues and the way they choose to express their faith and so I shall enter into it as much as I am able. I am really looking forward to being with them and hearing how each person is travelling, especially as I missed our last gathering. There is also something about being silent in company that touches me at a deep level. We are not merely silent, the aim is to be mindful - mindful of our deepest selves, mindful of each breath we take, and as we stop and just 'be', I find my soul and deeper emotions opening up and invariably I come away with some new insight. I generally spend a fair proportion of the time giggling helplessly as well!

I didn't think I was missing anything about being in ministry, but last night I watched the BBC2 programme about a choir master who helped draw a whole community together through music and in doing so, significantly changed some of the people's lives. I found myself crying by the end of the programme and as I reflected on why, I realised I was seeing how my ministry could have been if I had not been so confused by 'right beliefs' v helping people live full lives and connect with the Spirit of God in whichever way is right for them. I guess I miss having a significant effect on other people's lives, or maybe I just miss being significant! I hope to explore this area further at the wigwams.

Bonny the Boat Dog!

Sorry about the longish silence; I've had a bit of a virus problem with my computer, but I'm well on the way to sorting it out.

Last week Bonny and I went out for a whole 4 days on the boat (thanks to my kind work mate swapping days off). Bonny wore her new life jacket, much to the amusement of passing boaters and their pets, but it made me less anxious and having the handle on top meant I could easily lift her on and off the boat and also carry her, rather like a briefcase, across the locks!

She took to the whole experience like a duck to water, if you know what I mean! She rode on the roof and patrolled up and down it's length, only coming back to me if startled. I had been told that some dogs get frightened if left on the boat in locks, but not Bonny. She was fantastic! We did the Fradley flight on the first day and moored for the night in Fradley Woods. Bonny loved having the freedom of the tow path after having to be constantly on a lead in the marina.

I was worried that if I let her get off and on the boat at will, she will do the same in the marina when we returned, which would be a no no. I got over the problem by using the gang plank. She quickly learnt that if the gang plank was there, she could get off and on. If it wasn't, she had to wait for me to lift her off - Perfect!

We went on to Handsacre the second night and tied up by Bridge 56 which is a lovely secluded mooring, with room for only one boat. The only downside was there was a little road nearby and quite a few walkers and their dogs - great for my friendly pup, but it meant Ihad to keep a close eye all the time. So we returned to Fradley Woods for our last night. I have found a great little mooring in the woods which isn't near anybody else so Bonny can run free. While she explored, I did some polishing and now 'Don't Panic' gleams!

As I've said before, I love being out on the canal and my heart sinks when I return to the Marina. However, I am very fortunate to be able to do this at all, pre-retirement, and have decided to make the most of it by not resenting the time in the marina, but rather appreciating the electricity on tap and the facilities on my doorstep. But to prevent Marina fever setting in, I shall take the boat out and moor overnight on the cut all lot more often. In fact, once Bonny is introduced to my cycle, there is nothing to stop us mooring for a week on the cut and cycling in to work. Branston Water Park is just up the canal and would be a lovely place to walk Bonny.

On the downside of life, Lloyds are getting nasty over my loan and are sending threatening letters and making odd phone calls, using people whose accents are so extreme that I struggle to understand them - not being from India myself. This is despite the fact that I have kept them informed every step of the way and have done everything they have told me to do so far! The Debt Counselling Service, that they insisted I spoke to, were brilliant and have helped me sort out a budget and have told me what banks are allowed to do, what they are not allowed to do and what they will try to get away with! Lloyds are following the script of 'what they will try to get away with' almost to the letter. The most important advice I received was 'don't let them bully you into agreeing to pay them more than you can afford'. Lloyds have alreaady tried to do just that and that's only their opening salvo. They are now apparantly passing my case on to their debt recovery unit, but as long as I follow the instructions given by the DCS, I should be OK.

I think I've mentioned Tom Hodgkinson before - a brilliant author who wrote 'How to be Free', my current manual for life! Well, he is coming to the Marina at the end of the month to do a talk on how Dr Johnson influenced his life and I will be able to listen to him live! What are the chances of that - a fairly obscure author, living in Devon, who has helped me significantly, coming to the very marina I am living at in the West Midlands! I take it as a sign that I am still on the right track. I highly recommend this book and indeed 'How to be Idle' and for parents 'Idle Parenting' if you want to release some pressures from your life.

response to fear

I love writing my blog but sometimes I wonder if I'm just talking to myself, so it was lovely to receive an email from my friend Kristina Petersen, commenting on my blog about fear. I so appreciated what she said that I got her permission to repeat some of her email here:

I think you are so right with what you're saying about life slowing down for you and about freedom from various things (including savings but also the need to consume). I think a lot of people would nod their head in agreement but carry on with their busy life, while you have actually had the courage to do something about it and lead a different sort of life. I also agree that a life without fear seems attractive but I wonder whether it’s not actually a life without worry that we could be aiming for. When you stand on a rail track and a train is approaching fast and you don’t have time to think about it, it’s fear that gives you the adrenaline to jump to the side. Worry is useful only if it propels us into action – if it doesn’t, maybe because we can’t do anything or we worry about something that isn’t actually a problem, it just makes us miserable. By the way, my cat, which has a happy life, still feels fear, so I wonder whether it’s innate. The cat is afraid of moving wheels (a good things, gets him to avoid moving cars) and loud noises, like the Hoover (not so useful). He doesn’t worry, though – animals don’t because they live in the present. Which ties in nicely with your point about slowing down as that helps you to live in the present and enjoy each moment. You’re definitely on the right track.

I agree with Kristina that perhaps I should have been talking about worry rather than fear. Thanks Kristina!
Oh, and thanks to you too Lynda, it's good of you to leave encouraging comments!
My next blog will be about the welcome visit of my family to the boat, but I have a virus problem on my computer at present which means I can't post the photos!

Visit from my brother

My brother Peter came all the way from Australia to see my boat! Well alright, he had other things to do as well, but we went out on the boat together yesterday and he loved it! He also kept an eye on Bonny as she had her first experience of riding on the roof without her crate! You will have to wait for photos of that, as my brother took some great ones and will hopefully pass some on to me.

He was so enthusiastic about the boat and Bonny and it made me feel really good. I have made all my recent decisions without many expressions of approval from others and mostly I can cope OK with that, but to have my big brother say that my decisions make sense and are right means a lot. Here is a picture of us together...

Bonny coped brilliantly as a boat dog. She would occasionally peer over the side of the boat which stopped my heart on a couple of occasions. She also got a fright when we passed a herd of cows, but when she felt insecure she just ran either to Pete at one end of the boat or me at the other. She fell in love with Pete at first sight and as long as she was sitting near him, she coped with all the new sights, sounds and smells just fine. I was so proud of her!